i started cutting again and i hide it all behind bracelets.
I dream of being an actress, but my parents think it’s just a fantasy and a phase of mine, so they don’t support me at all. They think it’s stupid, that i’ll never make it, that i am talentless and as the time goes by i think they are right. Also, they made me enroll in a college i don’t like just so i can get rich. it doesn’t matter that i’ll be unhappy for the rest of my life, as long as i study goddamn economics and have money everything will be “okay”.
A friend and I wanted to be on the same team for a competition, but she decided to join with another group of upperclassmen. She says they had more experience and she wants to win. She apologized a lot, and I pretended to be okay with it.
I secretly hope she doesn’t win anything.
I have never felt so alone in my life. I remember the memories of my exs and its like heaven now, something I used to take for granted now just slipped and I have nothing. No person can fill gaps like this. Not even family and friends, only self harm will and deep thoughts of loss. Guess thats life right….
I just fingered myself in my school auditorium because I was bored.
is because I don’t want my feelings hurt. I’ve always been accused of being too passive, and I never understood why I was this way. Then, today, it hit me. I am terrified of having my feelings hurt by someone important to me. I am never convinced that someone cares about me enough to pull their punches and not retaliate in an unforgivable way if I say the wrong thing and push them over the edge. I tiptoe around serious conversations and bite my tongue because I don’t want to upset them…because I am so insecure about our relationship that I don’t think I am loved enough to dissuade a hurtful comeback…because I know that no matter what they say, I still could never say anything half as hurtful in retaliation. So I sugarcoat and procrastinate and spew half-truths, hoping to lessen the sting of my words, in order to avoid the stab of their own.
My boyfriend loves me so intensely.
I’m only with him because I’m scared of being alone.
The saddest realization i ever made is that there is not one person on this entire planet who really knows me. Inside and out. Not one. And now, I’m unsure if the love anyone has for me is real. How can you love someone you don’t know?
I loved him. Like a brother, or like more, I didn’t know, but I did. So much. And we were different in race, but that didn’t matter. We were close, the same people sometimes, and I fucking loved him. But once in a crowd, things would change. Noticeably, but never irrevocably. Not until that one day. One day, and my best friend turned into a stranger. An ignorant, careless, enemy. A hateful, arrogant, snake. And I was so deeply wounded, I could taste blood on my tongue. It was like my presence was of no significance. And i don’t know if that made it better or worse, but I could never look at him and feel the same again. His true colors were seen that day, and they were of much greater significance than the one covering my skin.
Lost in a Sea of People
I’m now a month into university and I still feel so lost and out of place. I’m surrounded by so many people and yet I can’t help but feel so alone. Everyone seems to be making fast friends and having a blast, but all I feel like doing is wallowing in self pity.Even my high school friends who came to the same university as me are all moving forward with their lives while I feel like I’m still stationary and stuck dwelling on the past.
No one said adjusting to university was easy, but I never imagined it would be this hard. I used to be so sure in who I was and what I stood for, but now I feel that resolve starting to gradually crumble away and I absolutely hate it. I want to enjoy myself and be happy again, but I don’t know how.
The stress of academics is slowly eating away at me and all I do is cry from being home sick and feeling so lost in all my lectures. It’s so embarrassing that I’ve basically become known as the girl whose always crying.